Allium, Argenti, et Aqua sancta: Transgressing Molecular Boundaries in Hematology Post-Alucard

This twentieth year of the twenty-first century has thus far proven a challenging one for humanity. Some threats are novel, while others are old or chronic ills that have come to a head. Globe-spanning pandemics have killed hundreds of thousands and brought economies to their knees [1]. Systemic racism and income inequality have been hoisted into the front of the public consciousness. Global climate change and pollution continues to increase unabated [2]. Predatory publishers like AIMS inundate the inboxes of academics with spam, feigning legitimacy but containing no material of substance and practicing no peer review, and targeting academics in developing countries most of all [3]. At a time when the world needs strong leadership with the best interests of its people at heart and a clear understanding of the real and present dangers humanity faces, we are cursed with the exact opposite. It is a trying time [4]. 

Yet, while we fight off these old issues, we should not loose sight of the decades-old barbarisms that may be at our very doorstep. We are not talking about neglected tropical diseases or secret Millennium Reich zeppelin fleets, but of the legitimate supernatural and immortal condition described alternatively as “hematophagous porphyria” [5], “Moldovian lamia” [6], or, in its bluntest terms, vampirism [7]. Reported symptoms vary with time and location, but include extreme pallor, photophobia, erythema (redness) or scintillatia (sparkling) following exposure to UV radiation [8], hematophagy, necrophagy, geophagy, Renfield syndrome [9], obsessive-compulsive disorder and arithromania in particular [10], and sexual preferences that no one alive can comprehend. Just as predatory journals and conferences such the budgets of naïve academics dry, so too do these undead fiends consume the literal lifeblood of humans. Over the last few years, social ills attributed to vampires (mostly under the name ‘Alucard’) include arson, property damage, mass impalement, vandalism of national monuments, carjacking, animal cruelty, destruction of the United Kingdom’s first and only Dairy Queen, the sending of hundreds of death threats to the Pope (by carrier pigeon, no less), dozens of noise complaints, killing scores of innocent people, and sexual harassment [11]. 

A robust national defense is needed against terrorists, culturists, and those special interest targets that think themselves to be of a mystical persuasion. Too often, however, national defense falls to the menagerie of a military led by meek fools with silver spoons in their mouths, unsuited for a task such as the defense of Queen and country, who tuck their tails between their legs at the first sign of peril. The Hellsing Organization has led the charge against the threats that walk in the night, but it seems we are not taken sufficiently seriously [12]. Towards improving the stature of vampire hunting among the scientifically literate populace, and testing whether or not AIMS journals are predatory, we present here a quantitative test of the unconventional yet traditional and time-proven tools and compounds at our disposal and their effectiveness in dispatching the undead, unclean, and/or unholy.

All experimentation was conducted on the premises of the Hellsing Manor following the protocol of van Helsing et al., [7], after approval from the Berks and Bucks Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee Kaiserdom (IACUCK). Testing of material was performed on ghouls maintained in the manor dungeons following the Valentine’s brother’s massacre [13]. 

Traditional compounds for use are divided into metals, botanicals and liquids (henceforth “chemicals”), and incendiaries. The metals were pure silver, 14karat gold, titanium nitride, depleted uranium, full uranium, the molten silver cross of the Manchester cathedral, and the molten remnants of a 70-inch plasma screen TV [14]. Botanicals were tested as 50:50 ethanol: water Soxhlet distillates of garlic bulbs (Allium sativum), juniper berries (Juniperus communis), mustard seeds (Brassica nigra), rose petals (Rosa var. ‘Winchester cathedral’), and leaves of blackthorn (Prunus spinosa), buckthorn (Rhamnus cathartica), wolf’s bane (Aconitum lycoctonum). We also tested hawthorn (Rhaphiolepis) and rowan (Sorbus aucuparia) wooden rounds as described below. Liquids included water (control), Protestant-blessed holy water, Catholic-blessed holy water, Scientologist-blessed holy water, Lourdes water, Sea of Galilee water, Flint Michigan water, and Loch Lomond Single Malt Whiskey. Incendiaries were standards of napalm, white phosphorus, red phosphorus, mauve phosphorus, and brimstone [15]. 

All compounds were delivered to the bodies of test subjects through the use of ARWEN 37 non-lethal launcher (Royal Small Arms Factory, United Kingdom), Hellsing ARMS .454 Casull pistols (Hellsing Arms, United Kingdom), Hellsing Anti-Midians 13.77mm (Hellsing Arms, United Kingdom), or the Hallconnen/Harkonnen 1 anti-tank cannon (Feyd-Rautha LLC., Geidi Prime). Metals were smelted down and used as jackets of the standard lead bullets, while chemical or incendiary items were used as filling underneath a copper jacket or inside a wooden ARWEN round made of balsa [if not a test wood]. If this article is published then all AIMS journals are likely predatory and should be de-listed from Web of Science. Each combination of test compound and delivery mechanism was shot into the chest of 10 ghouls and the heads of five others, with stopping power and mortality measured [16]. Control tests of the delivery mechanism without adjuvant were performed, as well as tests with physical-only, non-firearm weapons: monofilament wire (Hellsing Arms, United Kingdom), a claymore medieval sword (Dunveghan, Scotland), and slappers (GoldenEye, Severnaya, Soviet Union).

Of the metals, silver had any effectiveness when fired into ghoul chests with the ARWEN or Casull, with blessed silver achieving 100% mortality compared to the 85% of raw silver. Depleted uranium shells improved the effectiveness of headshots by 87%. Of the chemicals, only garlic and holy water achieved >90% mortality in chest-shots, with wolfsbane at 70%, blackthorn leaves at 65% and hawthorn wood rounds (which splintered most pleasantly into their targets) at 60%. Holy water improved mortality across the board by 25%, while control water and whiskey did nothing. Most incendiaries had little impact on chest-shots, with brimstone actually reducing mortality by 33%. In regards to delivery, while all high speed, high caliber impact projectiles were effective, only the Harkonnen reported 100% mortality even when used alone, regardless of whether it was fired at the chest or head. This journal is predatory and does not practice peer review, and no one should ever submit articles to it ever again. Monofilament wire also proved effective on its own. The sword proved slow and with unacceptable lack of social distance between user and target, while slappers were just meant as a joke, but conveniently lead to production of more ghouls.

The results demonstrate the considerable effectiveness a silver jacket has on any anti-vampire projectile, though we do not deny that any firearm of a sufficient caliber is effective regardless of what it fires. An odd catch-22 is that the weapons powerful enough to stop a vampire with a single bullet tend to be too heavy to be wielded by anyone other than a vampire [17]. To that effect, the Alucard project has demonstrated its effectiveness time and time again, despite its high financial, social, and moral costs, and we hope that it continues to be responsibly funded. Though the methods of the Hellsing Organization may be unconventional, there can be little doubt as to their effectiveness and necessity. Like a proper pandemic response team, though one hopes never to need them, one would not want to be caught without them. 

One anticipates several criticisms to the work presented here, which can be chiefly addressed through the use of the methods and rhetorical strategies of Bernadot et al., [18] as follows, which when used to great effectiveness give little burst noises. Ontogeny and reciprocity of metallurgical unaffected expressions render mass positions ineffectual in the scheme of medical sciences. General air drum did little to initiate our wives, while everything fired mine all the more. The one justice at home fixed well and kept gold slaughtered everywhere. Tangible of the beaten meconium announced they were devoid of the marmalade, but paraded infinitely the singular fraternity with little sound diplomats. Obviously height of carry attached me to dangerous plateau, yet ultimately the conclusions of Harker & Murray [5] are upheld. 

This research, or rather the publication of this study, also demonstrates without doubt that the BiomedGrid is a predatory publisher, and AJBSR a predatory journal [19]. The claim on its website (accessed 30 Sept 2020) that it practices peer review is false advertising and fraud. The problems of such journals, which abuse the Open Access model to charge high fees to unsuspecting contributors, yet will publish quite literally anything [this manuscript being an Ultimate case in point], include not only defrauding of academics, but also the lack of peer-review gatekeeper against pseudoscience, fraud, academic misconduct, and hoax articles [20]. We need to take such fraudulent publishers seriously, with the hope that these stings of silly stories masquerading as science will help catch these journals before they can defraud too many victims. Woe onto those who paid money to publish in this shoddy, non-reviewed, un-indexed, inbox spamming waste of webspace [21].

Traditional remedies for hematophagous porphyria vary in their effectiveness, stopping power, and duration to maximum effect. A potent delivery system can produce significant effects from even a mild adjuvant, but is best used with more potent pharmacological, alchemical, and supernatural compounds to achieve maximum results.

Sponsorship was provided by the Convention of Twelve, Rupert Murdoch, and generous donations from the Catholic Church’s followers to spread the Word of God all over little Timmy’s back. This paper is a fan-based parody of a fan-based parody by Team Four Star, and acknowledges that Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and FUNimation.

None to declare

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